As a psychologist and life coach, I often find myself discussing the importance of saying "no" with busy, stressed out professionals. Everyone likes the idea of saying "no" more often, at least in theory. But, when it comes to actually doing it, I hear a lot of "yes, buts." In other words, "yes, I could say no to that, but then who would do it?" or "yes, I could say no to that, but then my boss would be upset with me and I might not get a promotion." Why is it so hard to say "no" to others?
Most of us experiencing success in our careers have learned one lesson really well--if you want to advance, you have to be willing to do the work. Translation, say "yes" to opportunities that come your way--you never know where it will lead. Well, look where that has led you. . . right to reading this article, looking for a solution to managing your busy life!
The truth is, we are much better at saying "yes" than we are at saying "no." Saying "yes" is easy, even if it means more stress and frustration down the road. When you say "yes," the person asking something of you smiles, thanks you, and you are left feeling as though you have pleased someone. There’s a lot of emotional payoff in that. Saying "no" is not immediately gratifying to us. Although rationally we know that saying "no" will mean we will feel less stressed in the future, when we say "no," we may feel guilty about disappointing the person who has made a request of us. Or, we may fear the consequences of saying "no." What’s so good about that? Not much. That’s why simply telling yourself to say "no" more often is not a very effective means of managing your busy life and career.
So, what’s the alternative? Contemplate saying "yes" with awareness of what the "no" is in every "yes." For every task or project we agree to do, we are saying "no" to something else. If I agree to take emergency on-call tonight at work, I am saying "yes" to being a team player and helping out in a pinch. But, chances are I will get called to handle an emergency and I am saying "no" to going to the gym after work, time with my husband, an uninterrupted dinner, and a good night’s sleep. I also am saying "no" to being alert and productive tomorrow at work. I will make it through the next day, but I won’t be as effective as I could be with my clients. And, I won’t have much energy for my friends or family the next evening after work. Having awareness of what is really at stake when I say "yes" makes it much easier to make selective, thoughtful decisions to say "no."
By the way, saying "no" selectively does not make you a poor team player. There’s more than one way to be a good team player! In the example I shared, if I say "no" to on-call that night, the next day I am more present and effective with my clients and colleagues. This also is a quality of a good team player. There will be other times when I say "yes" to taking on-call in a pinch, but the circumstances in my life may be different. Perhaps at that time, I am well-rested, have been to the gym the day before, and had some quality time with my husband recently. So saying "yes" to this additional responsibility does not mean I will lose out in other important areas of my life.
Try this over the coming week: Each time you are presented with a new opportunity, project, or task, ask yourself, "what am I saying 'no' to by saying 'yes' in this situation?" Write this question on a sticky note and put it where you will see it often. After trying this for a week, email me at Sabrina@tapthepotential.com to let me know how this impacted your week.
Being fully aware of our choices allows us to make choices congruent with our goals, values, and life purpose. This brings us closer to a sense of balance. __________________________________________________________
***Put Joy into Your Work***
Have you been feeling the doldrums with your job lately? Do you find yourself procrastinating with certain tasks? Is it hard to get up in the morning to get to work? If you answered "yes" to these questions, chances are there is incongruence between your job and your life purpose. And, the good news is, you don’t have to quit your job to address this incongruence(unless you really want to :)!
In my Power Up! Coaching Group for Professional Women, we have begun to work on articulating our life purpose as a means to increasing our joy in our work. Yes, you have a life purpose. No, you don’t have to create it out of thin air. You already know what it is, even if you haven’t put words on it yet. You have been living out your purpose all of your life. Your life purpose is about the essence of who you are. It is who you can’t help but be.
There are many ways to identify your life purpose. One way is through art. Art is a powerful tool for self exploration. Art bypasses words and language. Art allows us to express the core of who we are, even when we can’t find the words to do so. And, you don’t have to be artistic to benefit from using art for self exploration.
Try this: Make a collage using magazine pictures, photos, or any random items that capture your interest. As you are selecting things to include in your collage, the key is not to think too much. Just select pictures or items that you are drawn to. Arrange them in your collage in whatever way feels good to you. Once you have completed your collage, ask yourself these questions: What feelings come up as you look at your collage? What themes do you see? What colors or patterns stand out? What does your collage say about who you are? Write your answers to these questions. Put your collage aside for a day or two. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself thinking about your collage off and on. What thoughts and feelings come up? Jot these down. Then come back to your collage. Notice what is in your collage and what you have written down. To take this one step further, share your collage with a trusted friend or colleague. Ask for their feedback as to what the collage says about you.
What words or phrases come up repeatedly? Use these words or phrases to write a few sentences about your life purpose. Start with the words, "I am..." and go from there. See what comes up. Play with this. How do you feel as you read your life purpose aloud? You may feel what you have written is only partially done. That is ok. Articulating your life purpose is an on-going process.
By doing this exercise, you have begun to develop a sense of your life purpose, and that is sufficient for looking at how your life purpose relates to your job. When you feel lagging energy for your work, what is happening in your job that may be incongruent with your life purpose? What options are there for dealing with that? How are you expressing your life purpose in your work? What might you do this week to bring your life purpose into your work? Answering these questions AND taking action on your answers will put you on the path to bringing joy into your work. If you want more assistance with this, contact me at Sabrina@tapthepotential.com.
***ENTER A DRAWING FOR FREE COACHING SESSIONS*** Email me at Sabrina@tapthepotential.com to let me know what’s on your mind. By emailing me with your suggestions for future articles, or your feedback and reactions to current articles, you will be automatically entered in a drawing for 1 month of complimentary coaching to use for yourself or to give to someone else. This is a $300 value. Don’t miss this opportunity!
If you find this free newsletter to be of interest, please pass it along to others. Thank you! Sabrina
Sabrina Starling Schleicher, Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist Executive and Life Coach (307) 856-4662 e-mail: Sabrina@tapthepotential.com web: www.tapthepotential.com
